Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine (sm) "Positive Psychology to the Rescue" (sm) February 2008

Published by Maurine D. Patten, Ed.D., CMC Founder & CEO, Patten Coaching & Consulting www.pattencoaching.com

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In This Issue: 1. Preview 2. You, Too, Can Enhance Your Relationships 3. Getting into Action 4. Looking Ahead

1. Preview Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine explores how to progress rapidly from dreams to action.  It is a free monthly email newsletter written by Maurine D. Patten, life/business coach and clinical psychologist. Using Positive Psychology, topics are presented from the perspective of Maurine Patten and are provided to help you get the results you want.  It will help you manage change, improve your Emotional Intelligence and make better decisions with less effort. I am focusing on relationships again this month since there is a high correlation between the quality of relationships and your sense of well-being, happiness, and longevity.  The information applies to important relationships with your friends, coworkers, family, and spouse.  This issue is an update on an earlier article I wrote in 2003.  See the end of the ezine to sign up for the Retirement Reality Check Seminar I am doing February 23rd, 8:45 -10:00 am with financial planner, Jim Keller. Back to Index

2. You, Too, Can Enhance Your Relationships Relationships are a part of everyone's life.  A large part of my professional life has focused on helping clients have healthy, happy relationships whether it is with their coworkers, spouse, children, parents, or friends.  Having healthy relationships is also an important sign of Emotional Intelligence.  How do you express caring, appreciation, and/or love to the people who are special to you? When you are with someone you care about (adult to adult or adult to child), you tend to say and do things for the other person that makes you feel cared about, appreciated, or loved.  This is your primary "love language." To me, it is like having a target with a bull's eye.  When I ask couples to tell me three things they say or do to communicate appreciation or caring for each other, often only one item hits the bull's eye.  This means most of the intent of the message is lost. In my experience, usually people are putting effort into saying or doing the things they hope will make the other person feel appreciated and/or loved.  However, unless you know what makes the other person feel valued, the effor is wasted.  You are not connecting.  If you are not connecting, the message is lost; your effort is in vain. Gary Chapman believes there are five patterns when we communicate caring and appreciation.  He wrote The 5 Love Languages and two more books which apply his theory to children and teens.  According to Chapman, the five different ways people receive messages of caring and appreciation are: Time - This has to be quality time in which you give undivided attention.  You might think of it as one-on-one time doing activities that emphasize togetherness more than "what" you do. Touch - While this is not appropriate in work settings (except for a hand shake), it is important in families, especially at times of crisis.  Cultures vary oh how much touch is appropriate.  In some cultures, people are offended if greetings do not include a hug or some form of touch. Affirmation - Encouraging words inspire and give courage.  In addition, words of appreciation are especially meaningful in the work setting.  Supervisors and team leaders need to be able to identify and be comfortable giving genuine feedback about employees' strengths. Gifts - These are visual symbols of appreciation or caring.  It can mean "you were thinking of me."  It is important to not get carried away with this area to the extent that you disregard the other languages.  Gifts may be made or purchased and are especially important in a time of crisis.  Many of our soldiers in Iraq carry with them small gifts that remind them of being loved and valued. Acts of Service - These are things we do for someone else because we care or love that person  We might think of these actions as "giving a helping hand." We all have a primary love language.  Most of us have a secondary or back-up language.  When that is the case, we are bilingual.  We tend to do for others whatever our primary or secondary language is.  If it happens to also be that person's primary or secondary way of feeling appreciated and loved, the communication hits the bull's eye.  If not, we did not achieve our goal.  When each person  knows his/her primary language as well as the other person's primary language, there is clear communication between two people in the area of giving and receiving caring and appreciation.  Back to Index

3. Getting into Action To determine your primary love language, think about what you most often request or want from someone you care about, i.e. more time, affirmation, etc.  You might think about what hurts you the most when you are thinking of someone you care about.  You might also think about what your complaints are with that person; then, the opposite would likely be your primary language. The following tips will help you become more proficient in using love language in relationships: Rank order from 1-5 (1 - most important) how important each of the five love languages are to you. Think about your spouse, a friend, or child.  Rank order the importance of the love languages for that person.  Talk about your choices with that person to confirm your selection. Observe how others express love or appreciation to you.  Listen to what they request most often.  Notice what they frequently complain about not getting.  If half the complaints fall into a pattern, focus on that language with them.  It might be their primary love language. During the early years of infancy, touch, kind words, and quality time are especially important.   The general rule of thumb for young children from birth to five years old is: use all of the love languages because it is too early to figure out the primary one. To determine love languages for children five years or older or other adults, offer choices, i.e. would you like to spend some time together or have you help them with something? With children, you are trying to develop self-discipline.  Respect their love language by not selecting it as a method of discipline because it will cause extreme emotional pain.  They will feel painful rejection instead of love from you. Back to Index

4. Looking Ahead It is important to speak as many of the five love languages (bilingual to multilingual) as you possibly can.  The mark of a mature adult is the ability to give and receive appreciation and love through all the love languages.  Start with your primary and secondary languages.  Practice  them for several months.  As you see the benefits of using someone's love language,  you can add others later.  In a work or team setting, the leader can keep people motivated and feeling appreciated by getting as close to the bull's eye as possible.  It is wonderful to know the effort you put into showing caring for someone will be received as you intended.  Knowing another person's love language will enhance your relationship.  It can build trust, help heal past hurts, provide a sense of security, self-worth, and significance.  Coaching helps people make choices that move them forward on their personal journey in life. Contact me if you are interested in attending a Retirement Reality Check Seminar I am doing with financial planner, Jim Keller (Edward Jones), Saturday, February 23rd from 8:45 - 10:00 am in St. Charles mdpcoach@pattencoaching.com.  See my website Resource page for more information, http//www.pattencoaching.com/resource.  I look forward to hearing from you.   Maurine Patten mdpcoach@pattencoaching.com Back to Index

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Mission Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine is dedicated to inspiring and expanding your perspective in order for you to move forward in your personal and professional life. Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine is a publication of Patten Coaching & Consulting; CEO, Maurine D. Patten, Ed.D., CMC,  mdpcoach@pattencoaching.com We would like Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine to be as interactive as possible. If you have feedback, comments, topics you would like addressed, or can suggest additional resources to benefit us all, please email us at any time. Send your e-mail to ezinefeedback@pattencoaching.com. Please forward this issue to anyone you think would find Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine interesting and beneficial. Your recommendations help us keep growing, and ensure an excellent exchange of information and techniques. Archives You can read previous issues of Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine in our archives on our archives page.

About Maurine D. Patten, Ed.D. Maurine Patten is a clinical psychologist and certified life/business/retirement coach.  Her professional career includes: independent business owner (27 years), Assistant Professor at Chicago State University, and consultant for education and business. She is a graduate of the MentorCoach program and a member of the International Coach Federation. She is experienced in training and management development for large national and international firms. She has a strong background in working with individuals and couples on clarifying and achieving goals. Dr. Patten has training in coaching, cognitive and family therapy and health psychology. She has published articles, made presentations, and conducted workshops about: Emotional Intelligence Creating a Fulfilling Retirement Retirement Reality Check Anxiety and Achievement Stress Management Self-Esteem Communication Skills Marital/relationship Enrichment Wellness Issues The Psychology of Happiness

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