Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine (sm) "Positive Psychology to the Rescue" (sm) July 2007

Published by Maurine D. Patten, Ed.D. Founder & CEO, Patten Coaching & Consulting www.pattencoaching.com

Please pass this issue on to friends or coworkers. To unsubscribe or change your address, follow the easy Subscription Information at the end.

In This Issue: 1. Preview 2. Do You Want to Sharpen Your Listening Skills? 3. Getting into Action 4. Looking Ahead

1. Preview Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine explores how to progress rapidly from dreams to action.  It is a free monthly email newsletter written by Maurine D. Patten, life/business coach and clinical psychologist. Using Positive Psychology, topics are presented from the perspective of Maurine Patten and are provided to help you get the results you want.  It will help you manage change, improve your Emotional Intelligence and make better decisions with less effort.  Being a good listener is essential to good communication.  It is a way to get information and to show caring.  People have a need to be listened to because of an increased sense of isolation at home and at work.  When we do not listen, we are showing that we really do not care about the person who is talking.  This issue focuses on what you can do to sharpen your listening skills.  Back to Index

2. Do You Want to Sharpen Your Listening Skills? Listening creates connection, caring, a sense of community or belonging and can be a catharsis for the speaker.  It is one of the most important aspects of a helping relationship.  Also, listening is good for your health.  It can lower blood pressure and lead to increased relaxation for the listener.   Listening is an art that can be mastered with some understanding of what is required and practice. First of all, it is an active experience which requires involvement and commitment.  While listening may appear passive, it is important to remember that during listening, the inside of your brain is extremely active.  To be a good listener, you have to want to listen.  It means doing what needs to be done rather than what you might sometimes like to do.  Second, the good listener needs to have patience.  If you are in a hurry and are anxious to get the situation "solved" or "fixed",  chances are that you will do a poor job of listening and a poor job of caring.  Part of being patient also means not filling every silence during the conversation.  Silences are usually not as long as they seem.  You do not have to keep the conversation going.    Third, the physical setting is important when you are listening to someone.  Listening can happen in many places as long as there are no major distractions.  The goal is to give your full attention so that the person is able to comfortably share concerns with you.   It also helps if you and the person you are listening to feel reasonably comfortable and relaxed.  Sometimes this may mean you need to plan ahead to insure the setting is as distraction-free as possible and interruptions are minimized.  If distractions are excessive, you have two options: end the session with a plan to meet later, or continue, trying to do the best that you can.   Back to Index

3. Getting into Action Now that the stage is set for listening, the following points describe how to listen: Be attentive; use your eyes to watch for nonverbal cues.  Keep your ears keen and your heart open. Look at the person (eye contact) and look alert. Do not drum or tap your fingers, play with a pencil or other objects, glance or stare at your watch, or yawn deeply. Acknowledge what is being said by paraphrasing or reflecting what the person is saying and feeling.  This shows understanding and allows him or her to correct anything that may have been misunderstood.  Also, it encourages the person to expand on what was being said. Make sure your tone of voice and facial expression communicate acceptance which demonstrates you are committed to helping.  Ask questions that are open-ended (how, what, when, where).  Check out what he or she hears, thinks, feels, wants, and plans to do.  Do not ask too many questions.  Spend most of your time listening.  Stay away from "why" questions which make people feel defensive. Listen for feelings, thoughts or ideas, attitudes about the situation, opinions about what can be done, body language, recurring themes, or contradictions. Avoid quick conclusions and trying to figure out solutions for the problem. Being a good listener is especially important when someone has problems to talk about.  You might think or him or her as being stuck in a mud hole.  There are at least three approaches to listening to someone who is stuck: Sympathy - If you are sympathetic, you might have a feeling of concern without becoming involved.  It is feeling sorry for the person in the mud hole as you stand off to the side.  Maybe you send supplies.  Although concerned, you remain apart.  A close meaningful relationship is not established.  Sometimes this is appropriate and all you can offer.  Over-identification - If you are over-identifying with the person who has the problem, you are taking on the feelings and characteristics of that person to the point that the problem becomes yours.  It involves jumping into the mud hole and possibly getting as mired in the difficulty as the person you are listening to.  When this occurs, you can lose yourself in the relationship.  you are no longer able to be objective.   Empathy - If you are showing empathy for the person in the mud hole, you are feeling the problem as if it is yours without taking it on yourself.  It does not mean you agree with everything the person is thinking or feeling but that you are able to see things from his or her perspective.  You keep your own reality while understanding the other person's thoughts, feelings and concerns.  You get involved while maintaining control of yourself.  It is an important aspect of Emotional Intelligence and critical for building trust.   Back to Index

4. Looking Ahead Sharpening listening skills is an active process that puts care into action.  It is a skill that requires practice.  We listen to show caring, to learn new information, and to understand rather than force conformity.  Attentive listeners observe, acknowldege, encourage, check out, interpret and sometimes agree to disagree. Listening has many rewards.  As you practice sharpening your listening skills, notice how it helps you gain trust and build closer relationships both at home and in your work. Let me know how you benefit from becoming a better listener.  I look forward to hearing from you, mdpcoach@pattencoaching.com. Maurine Patten mdpcoach@pattencoaching.com Back to Index

Subscription Information Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine is a free publication. If you, or someone you know, wants (to continue) to receive the Journal, click on SUBSCRIBE or go to: http://www.pattencoaching.com and click on Ezine Archives. If you do not want to continue to receive the Journal, click on UNSUBSCRIBE or go to: http://www.pattencoaching.com and click on Ezine Archives. Be assured your name and email address are confidential. We do not sell, rent or share our mailing list with anyone.

Contact Information Patten Coaching & Consulting Voice: 630-584-8936 Fax: 630-584=8868 Web: http://www.pattencoaching.com E-Mail: mdpcoach@pattencoaching.com (c) Copyright 2002 Patten Coaching & Consulting All rights reserved.

Distribution Rights Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine (sm) is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added, or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site. Republication of Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine (sm) in paper media is encouraged and permitted by individuals, organizations and associations, as long as the issue is reprinted in its entirety, without change, and includes the contact information. With advance permission, we are happy to edit an issue to fit your space requirements. Republication also is encouraged under other circumstances. However, the advance permission of Patten Coaching and Consulting must be obtained in the event that changes in the text are desired.

Mission Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine is dedicated to inspiring and expanding your perspective in order for you to move forward in your personal and professional life. Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine is a publication of Patten Coaching & Consulting; CEO, Maurine D. Patten, Ed.D. CMC mdpcoach@pattencoaching.com We would like Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine to be as interactive as possible. If you have feedback, comments, topics you would like addressed, or can suggest additional resources to benefit us all, please email us at any time. Send your e-mail to ezinefeedback@pattencoaching.com. Please forward this issue to anyone you think would find Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine interesting and beneficial. Your recommendations help us keep growing, and ensure an excellent exchange of information and techniques. Archives You can read previous issues of Achieving Personal Fulfillment Ezine in our archives on our archives page.

About Maurine D. Patten, Ed.D., CMC Maurine Patten is a clinical psychologist and certified life/business coach.  Her professional career includes: independingt business owner (26 years), Assistant Professor at Chicago State University and consultant for education and business. She is a graduate of the MentorCoach program and a member of the International Coach Federation. She is experienced in training and management development for large national and international firms. She has a strong background in working with individuals and couples on clarifying and achieving goals. Dr. Patten has training in coaching, Emotional Intelligence, retirement assessment and planning, cognitive therapy and health psychology. She has published articles, made presentations, and conducted workshops about: Emotional Intelligence Creating a Fulfilling Retirement Anxiety and Achievement Stress Management Setting and Acieving Goals Self-Esteem Communication Skills Marital/relationship Enrichment Wellness Issues The Psychology of Happiness

Back to main